Blogtober 21 Day 21
Ok, so we haven’t kept up with the ‘post a day’ for Blogtober 21.
Last night I beat myself up for it. I stood in front of the mirror as I took the days make up off and cursed myself for “showing myself up”, “letting the team down” and calling myself stupid for not being able to keep up.
A post a day – not hard is it? That’s like an Aunt saying to me “Your jobs not hard. You’re just saying a few lines”. I am saying a few lines – each full of intension and motivation and sometimes the words don’t convey that intension and so I have to find the emotion behind it. The emotion might be to cry loudly losing all sense of myself, it might be to cry silently, letting ONE single tear fall down my face, it might be to be giddy with excitement on a day I find out that my uncle is diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Vascular Dementia or any other scenario you want to throw in there.
I am only saying lines when there are 4 camera’s pointing at me, lights blaring in my face, and my rehearsal is the first time I step on set to do the scene with the OTHER actor! I am only saying lines – to make the dialogue look natural and the changes relatable without looking like I am reading off the page or searching for the emotion. The emotion has to be there, ready to call upon, on the triggered word.
Blogging is the same. It’s not easy when your life is full on. It needs planning and preparation just like we did for our Christmas Collaboration Series or Series My First Time. I did plan and prepare Blogtober but to a different degree. I knew what our posts were going to be about – I just hadn’t written them. We also haven’t had the time to tweet and engage in comments, celebrating YOUR Blogtober posts.
And Time betrayed me.
I have lines to learn for tomorrow as I am shooting at 7am. (I have them down, I just need to go over them and make sure that I am happy with what I want to play). That means getting up at 5am, for me to come round and for my face to drop into place. It takes much longer than it used to hence being up earlier than I need to.
Sitting in my Feelings
I wanted to come on here and address my feelings. It was a full moon yesterday and perhaps my feeling of being off kilter is because of that, but even if that is not the case there is a part of me willing these feelings of sadness and despair to disappear. And another part of me is wanting to sit, deep inside them, have them comfort me just so that I can understand what is going on.
We found out yesterday that my uncle (dads brother) has Parkinson’s and Vascular Dementia. That news has hit our family for 6 and we are all in a bit of a daze about it. My uncle is the head of our family and we all look up to him. We make our own decisions but what he feels has an impact and we always want to make them proud. They are proud and we have never ever been stopped from doing what we’ve wanted.
We live close by and I spend time with my uncle and aunt. And I have seen his condition deteriorate over the last 2 years, rapidly. We know that covid has had a part to play. Families weren’t allowed to see each other, we couldn’t go over for our weekly Saturday night dinners to talk the bugs out of the week we’d all just had. Christmas was cancelled along side birthdays and other holidays. We couldn’t go for walks, or hug, or laugh or just sit next each other. We could – but it was difficult and I know that my dad missed not being able to be close to his brother. As did my uncle – miss my dad.
You may remember me talking about my cousin “Anita” I dedicated a whole post to her. Click on Anita to read more. Well, it’s her dad, and she got in touch with us to break the news. We haven’t spoken to her in over 12 years over a family feud that split us all right down the middle. There are so many feelings to deal with; the colossal amount of time we have all lost in this unnecessary war which no one has won. Hearts have been broken and the loneliness kicked in further when actually, we needed each other the most. We all split and went our different ways, though I always kept in touch with my uncle and aunt and now, here, this day, a text message from the one person this all stemmed from. There is an overwhelming feeling of… I don’t know what. I guess I am trying to process it all.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say and perhaps I am not actually saying anything. All I know is that it is Thursday and this week has been incredibly difficult. I haven’t posted for the whole week, I feel shit about it. But then again – it is the way life is at the moment. It is ok! I feel shit about my uncle – but that is not going to help him, or the family – who right now needs me and every member to play its part in being there for each other. It is ok! I feel shit about my work and yet I am working and I am telling stories that people are talking about and changing peoples lives. It is OK!
These feelings are ok and they are just letting me know that things are a little tricky right now. Just like life, everything changes and moves on. My feelings of being trapped, feeling sad and useless, will pass too.
It is ok to sit in these feeling and watch them pass by.